+ Rainbow + + FullMoon +

Its a double song post this time around because I've included a draft I wrote a few months ago. So two different phases of my life. Its a good thing this blog is so obscure, for once I want to try being honest to myself, this time I will try my best not to butter up my actual words from their true meaning.
Poly is ending as i type, just a couple of weeks. I'm prepared for the worst and the neutral and most of the time i feel fine. Not to say I'm not immensely disappointed with my idiot self but its too late now to cry in the breast milk and I just want to make do and continue living. Four days from now there is a portfolio review and a lot of things need to be done, I'll be fine. Not ideally good but I'll get through it. If i get retain...so what? Another six months of my life is not a long time.
Anyway I have a domain now, I'll be linking it to this blog. And try to tie in the designs I plan to use. It would be fun to add some random pages to the required portfolio site, lol. My deviantart is also up, and its going okay. Apologies, I need to do things at my pace. Its completely random, but I wish I did not end up disappointing anyone.
I'm not insane or criminally unstable I promise, but as I said I want to try being completely honest this next sentence will make a few people go WTF. I'm not crazy but i definitely am mentally unstable. Its more on lapses, or maybe a split personality. Sometimes, unprovoked or not I get terrifyingly violent and hurt myself, ouh not knives or fire or anything, I'm scared of them. I'm not good at describing things, and I despise showy displays of language prowess so I can only say, its like being taken over by someone else yet knowing who you are and what you are doing as well. I tried telling others about it, well a part of the feeling but its understandable they can't understand or help much, everyone has their own set of problems. At the most I just say something obscure like, a part of me died. Which is true, something died, I don't know when or what it actually was but a vital part of myself is empty. There's a space there that is missing something. Does anyone else feel incomplete to such an intensity? This feeling intensifies into a rage at times, and when that happens I lose grip. JM was around a couple of times and he pretends nothing happened afterward. When I'm alone when this shit takeover happens its bad, if i start crying against my will, I just punch myself which of course makes me cry harder. There is a tear up feeling inside and I just start scratching at my body until I either draw blood or hit myself again to shock myself out of scratching. Recently my face kena blue black to such a bad color I just stayed home and slept. Well, thats it basically..I should see a doctor yes, if not for any other reason that its just plain stupid.
I sound like such a lonely person, haha. How disgusting...Sorry this isn't a cry for attention nor am I asking for support, please don't force yourself. I hate that more. There isn't any other person in this world who is able to feel what you feel and understand it. They either have experienced it worse or had it a little easier. I'm beginning to feel that there is no such person best suited for me. What kind of person is he anyway?..No one will be able to breach the wall without me insulting, jeering and doubting them on the way. I do it out of spite, thats my form of bitch unfortunately. If such a person is living today and we're supposed to be important to each other? Who knows for sure, and I'm still technically confused of what being in love is supposed to feel like. When you are with the person, are you supposed to be desiring them in that way? Or already claiming to look past that and telling yourself, you love their mind or heart. I thought I had fallen in love, and acknowledge it as that feeling because it was painful, but now in the aftermath. I'm just bewildered, I honestly don't know how to label the experience. I'm in a relationship that looks stable and long lasting to others, and it is for the most part. So why do I feel like if we stay with it, both of us would just be settling? And it has gotten to the point where it feels weird when he is not around to chat with and make him laugh. I know him so well and we've been together so long, its family. I'm not as devoted to the people who share and gave me my genes. Its a toughie, huh? There's no way to avoid one really horrible and painful day far or near into the future, whatever the outcome of continuing to live brings.

Onto the songs... + FullMoon + is by Viking power metal band Sonata Artica. The lyrics are largely debatable but my take on it is that it is about a werewolf. He's existence as a were is a painful burden to his soul and i think the story takes place during one particular fullmoon when trying to lock himself away to keep others safe, his loved one appears at a very very bad time. When he is a) in the middle of turning loup and b) before he is able to lock himself in. I'm assuming she knows what he is, a werewolf and despite loving him and wanting to turn into one with him in order to share the pain......she doesn't get it. The actual agony and guilt and self hatred it is to turn into something else and having no control on your actions. If you are a good person and one morning woke up to realize you had killed and eaten someone..I wouldn't want someone I loved to feel that way. So back to the song...she walks in and see's him turning, she's in a bad position and he's trying hard to tell her to run away. Next thing he knows, he's woken up and there's blood and gore on the floor....
I guess he killed her.

I have many instances where somehow or another I become extremely stubborn and determined... Unfortunately it only occurs when I'm on the quest in search for some unimportant thing or another... Like when I'm searching for a song, video, book, comic or basically stuff to slack around with before i do the stuff I'm supposed to have finished yesterday.
Anyway right below is a song called + Rainbow + or more appropriately cai hong. It is sung originally sung in chinese by Liang Jing Ru. Its among a small list of security blanket songs I can't live without. Every time I hear this song I'm reminded of Yr2 2nd semester Studio Proj. when I stayed overnight at block n. I'd be playing this song over and over, and thinking of this guy I had/have feelings for. I haven't seen him around much lately and most of time I've been more polite to cockroaches I find trying to crawl into my room...in fact the time when we went too the Polo Club I was unshameably and silently goading the 18 hands tall geldings to take a snapper at his hands should he go over to sayang them. Anyway...me so bitter aside, I only found the translations of this song recently, its just ironic, needless to say.
Jaa ne...

+ Rainbow (cai hong) +

Sitting in the tub
The showerhead
Replaces my tears, like the rain
Actually, I don't know
Whether or not the tears had fallen
Just like in this story
Have you ever loved me?

The frail, weak curtains
Can't hold on to
The night in the room
Has to leave
The morning wakes me up
Lights up last night's dream
Up till this time
I never really understood

Your love is like the rainbow
The sky after the rain
Spectacularly Mesmerizing
Blue, green, yellow, red

Your love is like the rainbow
I open my arms
Yet can only embrace the wind

Kissing me. then leaving me
You're just like
The rising sun, the pouring rain
Unpredictable
The harder I try
The harder it is to understand
Can only finally admit
This story is a mistake...

Your love is like the rainbow
The sky after the rain
Spectacularly mesmerizing,
Blue, green, yellow, red

This endless labyrinth
I ain't got time to turn back
The torment in all directions
Is all your doing

Kissing me. then leaving me
You're just like
The rising sun, the pouring rain
Unpredictable
The more I try to hold on
The more i end up with nothing
Can only hope
For your shadow after the rain..