Wish I May, Well Why Not
posted by RenHolder at 4:30 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Friday, September 05, 2008
Lifehouse - Somewhere In Between
Dammit, dammit dammit...
I think, quite possibly, very foolishly, I might have fallen in love with someone I could never ever be with. For God's sake, aren't I five years too old for this kind of crap?
It's insane, I don't need this nonsense. I'm suppose to be devoted girlfriend but kinda dead inside girl. It was nice, I could look at other people falling in love and feel content that I'm destined to be with the same guy for the rest of my life. Isn't that all people look for?
So why the heck am I feeling like a bucket of ice water has been poured over my head while a lava is flowing from my head to my toes. I want to stuff my face and puke all at once. This is disgusting, I don't want some idiot I can never be with making me all wibbly inside.
I need to smack myself out of this.
posted by RenHolder at 10:42 AM
0 comments
Thursday, January 25, 2007
+ Rainbow + + FullMoon +
Its a double song post this time around because I've included a draft I wrote a few months ago. So two different phases of my life. Its a good thing this blog is so obscure, for once I want to try being honest to myself, this time I will try my best not to butter up my actual words from their true meaning.
Poly is ending as i type, just a couple of weeks. I'm prepared for the worst and the neutral and most of the time i feel fine. Not to say I'm not immensely disappointed with my idiot self but its too late now to cry in the breast milk and I just want to make do and continue living. Four days from now there is a portfolio review and a lot of things need to be done, I'll be fine. Not ideally good but I'll get through it. If i get retain...so what? Another six months of my life is not a long time.
Anyway I have a domain now, I'll be linking it to this blog. And try to tie in the designs I plan to use. It would be fun to add some random pages to the required portfolio site, lol. My deviantart is also up, and its going okay. Apologies, I need to do things at my pace. Its completely random, but I wish I did not end up disappointing anyone.
I'm not insane or criminally unstable I promise, but as I said I want to try being completely honest this next sentence will make a few people go WTF. I'm not crazy but i definitely am mentally unstable. Its more on lapses, or maybe a split personality. Sometimes, unprovoked or not I get terrifyingly violent and hurt myself, ouh not knives or fire or anything, I'm scared of them. I'm not good at describing things, and I despise showy displays of language prowess so I can only say, its like being taken over by someone else yet knowing who you are and what you are doing as well. I tried telling others about it, well a part of the feeling but its understandable they can't understand or help much, everyone has their own set of problems. At the most I just say something obscure like, a part of me died. Which is true, something died, I don't know when or what it actually was but a vital part of myself is empty. There's a space there that is missing something. Does anyone else feel incomplete to such an intensity? This feeling intensifies into a rage at times, and when that happens I lose grip. JM was around a couple of times and he pretends nothing happened afterward. When I'm alone when this shit takeover happens its bad, if i start crying against my will, I just punch myself which of course makes me cry harder. There is a tear up feeling inside and I just start scratching at my body until I either draw blood or hit myself again to shock myself out of scratching. Recently my face kena blue black to such a bad color I just stayed home and slept. Well, thats it basically..I should see a doctor yes, if not for any other reason that its just plain stupid.
I sound like such a lonely person, haha. How disgusting...Sorry this isn't a cry for attention nor am I asking for support, please don't force yourself. I hate that more. There isn't any other person in this world who is able to feel what you feel and understand it. They either have experienced it worse or had it a little easier. I'm beginning to feel that there is no such person best suited for me. What kind of person is he anyway?..No one will be able to breach the wall without me insulting, jeering and doubting them on the way. I do it out of spite, thats my form of bitch unfortunately. If such a person is living today and we're supposed to be important to each other? Who knows for sure, and I'm still technically confused of what being in love is supposed to feel like. When you are with the person, are you supposed to be desiring them in that way? Or already claiming to look past that and telling yourself, you love their mind or heart. I thought I had fallen in love, and acknowledge it as that feeling because it was painful, but now in the aftermath. I'm just bewildered, I honestly don't know how to label the experience. I'm in a relationship that looks stable and long lasting to others, and it is for the most part. So why do I feel like if we stay with it, both of us would just be settling? And it has gotten to the point where it feels weird when he is not around to chat with and make him laugh. I know him so well and we've been together so long, its family. I'm not as devoted to the people who share and gave me my genes. Its a toughie, huh? There's no way to avoid one really horrible and painful day far or near into the future, whatever the outcome of continuing to live brings.
Onto the songs... + FullMoon + is by Viking power metal band Sonata Artica. The lyrics are largely debatable but my take on it is that it is about a werewolf. He's existence as a were is a painful burden to his soul and i think the story takes place during one particular fullmoon when trying to lock himself away to keep others safe, his loved one appears at a very very bad time. When he is a) in the middle of turning loup and b) before he is able to lock himself in. I'm assuming she knows what he is, a werewolf and despite loving him and wanting to turn into one with him in order to share the pain......she doesn't get it. The actual agony and guilt and self hatred it is to turn into something else and having no control on your actions. If you are a good person and one morning woke up to realize you had killed and eaten someone..I wouldn't want someone I loved to feel that way. So back to the song...she walks in and see's him turning, she's in a bad position and he's trying hard to tell her to run away. Next thing he knows, he's woken up and there's blood and gore on the floor....
I guess he killed her.
I have many instances where somehow or another I become extremely stubborn and determined... Unfortunately it only occurs when I'm on the quest in search for some unimportant thing or another... Like when I'm searching for a song, video, book, comic or basically stuff to slack around with before i do the stuff I'm supposed to have finished yesterday.
Anyway right below is a song called + Rainbow + or more appropriately cai hong. It is sung originally sung in chinese by Liang Jing Ru. Its among a small list of security blanket songs I can't live without. Every time I hear this song I'm reminded of Yr2 2nd semester Studio Proj. when I stayed overnight at block n. I'd be playing this song over and over, and thinking of this guy I had/have feelings for. I haven't seen him around much lately and most of time I've been more polite to cockroaches I find trying to crawl into my room...in fact the time when we went too the Polo Club I was unshameably and silently goading the 18 hands tall geldings to take a snapper at his hands should he go over to sayang them. Anyway...me so bitter aside, I only found the translations of this song recently, its just ironic, needless to say.
Jaa ne...
+ Rainbow (cai hong) +
Sitting in the tub
The showerhead
Replaces my tears, like the rain
Actually, I don't know
Whether or not the tears had fallen
Just like in this story
Have you ever loved me?
The frail, weak curtains
Can't hold on to
The night in the room
Has to leave
The morning wakes me up
Lights up last night's dream
Up till this time
I never really understood
Your love is like the rainbow
The sky after the rain
Spectacularly Mesmerizing
Blue, green, yellow, red
Your love is like the rainbow
I open my arms
Yet can only embrace the wind
Kissing me. then leaving me
You're just like
The rising sun, the pouring rain
Unpredictable
The harder I try
The harder it is to understand
Can only finally admit
This story is a mistake...
Your love is like the rainbow
The sky after the rain
Spectacularly mesmerizing,
Blue, green, yellow, red
This endless labyrinth
I ain't got time to turn back
The torment in all directions
Is all your doing
Kissing me. then leaving me
You're just like
The rising sun, the pouring rain
Unpredictable
The more I try to hold on
The more i end up with nothing
Can only hope
For your shadow after the rain..
Poly is ending as i type, just a couple of weeks. I'm prepared for the worst and the neutral and most of the time i feel fine. Not to say I'm not immensely disappointed with my idiot self but its too late now to cry in the breast milk and I just want to make do and continue living. Four days from now there is a portfolio review and a lot of things need to be done, I'll be fine. Not ideally good but I'll get through it. If i get retain...so what? Another six months of my life is not a long time.
Anyway I have a domain now, I'll be linking it to this blog. And try to tie in the designs I plan to use. It would be fun to add some random pages to the required portfolio site, lol. My deviantart is also up, and its going okay. Apologies, I need to do things at my pace. Its completely random, but I wish I did not end up disappointing anyone.
I'm not insane or criminally unstable I promise, but as I said I want to try being completely honest this next sentence will make a few people go WTF. I'm not crazy but i definitely am mentally unstable. Its more on lapses, or maybe a split personality. Sometimes, unprovoked or not I get terrifyingly violent and hurt myself, ouh not knives or fire or anything, I'm scared of them. I'm not good at describing things, and I despise showy displays of language prowess so I can only say, its like being taken over by someone else yet knowing who you are and what you are doing as well. I tried telling others about it, well a part of the feeling but its understandable they can't understand or help much, everyone has their own set of problems. At the most I just say something obscure like, a part of me died. Which is true, something died, I don't know when or what it actually was but a vital part of myself is empty. There's a space there that is missing something. Does anyone else feel incomplete to such an intensity? This feeling intensifies into a rage at times, and when that happens I lose grip. JM was around a couple of times and he pretends nothing happened afterward. When I'm alone when this shit takeover happens its bad, if i start crying against my will, I just punch myself which of course makes me cry harder. There is a tear up feeling inside and I just start scratching at my body until I either draw blood or hit myself again to shock myself out of scratching. Recently my face kena blue black to such a bad color I just stayed home and slept. Well, thats it basically..I should see a doctor yes, if not for any other reason that its just plain stupid.
I sound like such a lonely person, haha. How disgusting...Sorry this isn't a cry for attention nor am I asking for support, please don't force yourself. I hate that more. There isn't any other person in this world who is able to feel what you feel and understand it. They either have experienced it worse or had it a little easier. I'm beginning to feel that there is no such person best suited for me. What kind of person is he anyway?..No one will be able to breach the wall without me insulting, jeering and doubting them on the way. I do it out of spite, thats my form of bitch unfortunately. If such a person is living today and we're supposed to be important to each other? Who knows for sure, and I'm still technically confused of what being in love is supposed to feel like. When you are with the person, are you supposed to be desiring them in that way? Or already claiming to look past that and telling yourself, you love their mind or heart. I thought I had fallen in love, and acknowledge it as that feeling because it was painful, but now in the aftermath. I'm just bewildered, I honestly don't know how to label the experience. I'm in a relationship that looks stable and long lasting to others, and it is for the most part. So why do I feel like if we stay with it, both of us would just be settling? And it has gotten to the point where it feels weird when he is not around to chat with and make him laugh. I know him so well and we've been together so long, its family. I'm not as devoted to the people who share and gave me my genes. Its a toughie, huh? There's no way to avoid one really horrible and painful day far or near into the future, whatever the outcome of continuing to live brings.
Onto the songs... + FullMoon + is by Viking power metal band Sonata Artica. The lyrics are largely debatable but my take on it is that it is about a werewolf. He's existence as a were is a painful burden to his soul and i think the story takes place during one particular fullmoon when trying to lock himself away to keep others safe, his loved one appears at a very very bad time. When he is a) in the middle of turning loup and b) before he is able to lock himself in. I'm assuming she knows what he is, a werewolf and despite loving him and wanting to turn into one with him in order to share the pain......she doesn't get it. The actual agony and guilt and self hatred it is to turn into something else and having no control on your actions. If you are a good person and one morning woke up to realize you had killed and eaten someone..I wouldn't want someone I loved to feel that way. So back to the song...she walks in and see's him turning, she's in a bad position and he's trying hard to tell her to run away. Next thing he knows, he's woken up and there's blood and gore on the floor....
I guess he killed her.
I have many instances where somehow or another I become extremely stubborn and determined... Unfortunately it only occurs when I'm on the quest in search for some unimportant thing or another... Like when I'm searching for a song, video, book, comic or basically stuff to slack around with before i do the stuff I'm supposed to have finished yesterday.
Anyway right below is a song called + Rainbow + or more appropriately cai hong. It is sung originally sung in chinese by Liang Jing Ru. Its among a small list of security blanket songs I can't live without. Every time I hear this song I'm reminded of Yr2 2nd semester Studio Proj. when I stayed overnight at block n. I'd be playing this song over and over, and thinking of this guy I had/have feelings for. I haven't seen him around much lately and most of time I've been more polite to cockroaches I find trying to crawl into my room...in fact the time when we went too the Polo Club I was unshameably and silently goading the 18 hands tall geldings to take a snapper at his hands should he go over to sayang them. Anyway...me so bitter aside, I only found the translations of this song recently, its just ironic, needless to say.
Jaa ne...
+ Rainbow (cai hong) +
Sitting in the tub
The showerhead
Replaces my tears, like the rain
Actually, I don't know
Whether or not the tears had fallen
Just like in this story
Have you ever loved me?
The frail, weak curtains
Can't hold on to
The night in the room
Has to leave
The morning wakes me up
Lights up last night's dream
Up till this time
I never really understood
Your love is like the rainbow
The sky after the rain
Spectacularly Mesmerizing
Blue, green, yellow, red
Your love is like the rainbow
I open my arms
Yet can only embrace the wind
Kissing me. then leaving me
You're just like
The rising sun, the pouring rain
Unpredictable
The harder I try
The harder it is to understand
Can only finally admit
This story is a mistake...
Your love is like the rainbow
The sky after the rain
Spectacularly mesmerizing,
Blue, green, yellow, red
This endless labyrinth
I ain't got time to turn back
The torment in all directions
Is all your doing
Kissing me. then leaving me
You're just like
The rising sun, the pouring rain
Unpredictable
The more I try to hold on
The more i end up with nothing
Can only hope
For your shadow after the rain..
posted by RenHolder at 1:30 PM
1 comments
Friday, November 24, 2006
AFI - Silver and Cold
Pretty....whatever... at the moment...Although i knew it would be a bad idea to say out my thoughts and pick a fight but its what been bothering me for a long time and I felt its time to speak it. Well I'm damm as hell regretting haha.. But I guess I would just leave it as it is cos its obviously not a big deal to the other person, I already knew that this kind of thing is not an important issue to them. I feel bad for being a pain in the ass but I'm not the only person who is one. But walau, i feel like I have no pride like that to say what i felt in that way. And I feel so mad and hurt at the way I got brushed off . Am I being that unreasonable? Mostly yes, and in a way no. I just don't want to drift apart from friends, also there was something I wanted to discuss that i didn't want to say out to other ppl...Okay thats childish, well there's alot of issues here and I know thats its 80% my fault...In my defence I wouldn't be an ass if I didnt felt it was for a good enough reason, lame as it is... Plus my pride is super pissed off at having to be put on the line so often... Ouh forget it, I guess the friendship is over.
Wow, its really raining hard now...and its freezing...eh then again it could be because I have a fever at the moment.
Anyway it was my bdae a few weeks ago and i made a 11,10 thing to bullshit it...
11 Truths
11 I really love to listen to music live or in acoustic
10 I wish I played a lot of instruments
09 I'm so uncommitted at a lot of things its frigging scary
08 I don't really like my hair although most people think its fine.
07 I'm a lyrics junkie. Even if a song isn't that nice tunewise I will still listen if the lyrics are poetic or meaningful.
06 I'm a good liar but I don't lie often.
05 The things I say are usually blunt and straightforward as well as misconstrued and very often gets me in situations which are usually irreparable (see above) .
04 I don't know what it feel like to be deeply in love with someone... The stupid crappy in love you see in movies... I have no idea how that feels and I really wish to feel that at least once..
03 I have a really tough time expressing myself and what i feel..
02 I'm very worried that I might be hospitalised again soon
01 Sometimes I truly feel very alone
10 Firsts
First Real Best Friend: JunMing
First Screen Name: average (seriously)
First Piercing: One in each ear ( I cried alot)
First Crush: Anthony Lee in Pri 3
First Love: I don't know how to answer..'
First Kiss : With Peter
First Drink: My mother's milk
First Car: Don't have one yet, hoping for a BMW mini
First House Location : Don't own one yet, hopefully Japan
First Favourite toy: Me and my brother used to fight over the Pink Panther
9 Lasts
Last Food You Ate : Duck Noodle
Last Car Ride : A few weeks ago
Last Movie You Watched : Happy Feet
Last Phone Call : From Jin Wen (I'm so sorry! I forgot we were supposed to meet Miss Tina!)
Last Song You Listened To : Silver and Cold by AFI
Last Bubble Bath You Took : Six years ago??
Last Relationship : Not applicable
Last Time You Saw Snow : A really long time ago
Last Random Thought : I need to do laundry
8 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Dated A Best Friend : Yes
Have You Ever Been Arrested : Not yet?
Have You Ever Danced With No Music : That would be weird,ne?
Have You Ever Been On TV : Yes
Have You Ever Cheated On A Bf/Gf : Yes, emotionally (all ommisions are betrayals...sigh)
Have You ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: No
Have You Ever Been On A Blind Date: Yes...zzz
Have You Ever Been Out Of The Country: Yes
7 Things Your Wearing Now
Belt
Jeans
Tank Top
Bracelets
Spectacles
Watch
Em...underwear? What else were you expecting??
6 Things You Did Yesterday
Watched a movie
Ate duck rice and pasta
Sculpted alousy model
Turned Aoi into a girl
Watched a funny Gazette Vid
Slept
5 Favourite Things
Music
Books and Comics
Animals
the GaZetTe
Sleeping
4 People You Trust Most
JunMing
Other than that I'm not sure
3 Choices
Chocolate or Vanilla : Chocolate
Hugs or Kisses : Hugs
Pens or Pencils : Pens
2 Hobbies
Listening to music
Watching movies
1 Question
Did he love me? Even a little bit...
I've been meaning to blogskin this place but no inspiration came to mind...Ouh wells, till next time..Boogie out
Ouh yeah, some random funny stuff.
A Girly Uruha *cough I got trigger happy with Photoshop
A Girly Aoi * Still being trigger happy
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park...These guys rock
A very cute hamster that gets tortured...Go watch it on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CJKULSJ8DE
And Finally...Introducing....
Wow, its really raining hard now...and its freezing...eh then again it could be because I have a fever at the moment.
Anyway it was my bdae a few weeks ago and i made a 11,10 thing to bullshit it...
11 Truths
11 I really love to listen to music live or in acoustic
10 I wish I played a lot of instruments
09 I'm so uncommitted at a lot of things its frigging scary
08 I don't really like my hair although most people think its fine.
07 I'm a lyrics junkie. Even if a song isn't that nice tunewise I will still listen if the lyrics are poetic or meaningful.
06 I'm a good liar but I don't lie often.
05 The things I say are usually blunt and straightforward as well as misconstrued and very often gets me in situations which are usually irreparable (see above) .
04 I don't know what it feel like to be deeply in love with someone... The stupid crappy in love you see in movies... I have no idea how that feels and I really wish to feel that at least once..
03 I have a really tough time expressing myself and what i feel..
02 I'm very worried that I might be hospitalised again soon
01 Sometimes I truly feel very alone
10 Firsts
First Real Best Friend: JunMing
First Screen Name: average (seriously)
First Piercing: One in each ear ( I cried alot)
First Crush: Anthony Lee in Pri 3
First Love: I don't know how to answer..'
First Kiss : With Peter
First Drink: My mother's milk
First Car: Don't have one yet, hoping for a BMW mini
First House Location : Don't own one yet, hopefully Japan
First Favourite toy: Me and my brother used to fight over the Pink Panther
9 Lasts
Last Food You Ate : Duck Noodle
Last Car Ride : A few weeks ago
Last Movie You Watched : Happy Feet
Last Phone Call : From Jin Wen (I'm so sorry! I forgot we were supposed to meet Miss Tina!)
Last Song You Listened To : Silver and Cold by AFI
Last Bubble Bath You Took : Six years ago??
Last Relationship : Not applicable
Last Time You Saw Snow : A really long time ago
Last Random Thought : I need to do laundry
8 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Dated A Best Friend : Yes
Have You Ever Been Arrested : Not yet?
Have You Ever Danced With No Music : That would be weird,ne?
Have You Ever Been On TV : Yes
Have You Ever Cheated On A Bf/Gf : Yes, emotionally (all ommisions are betrayals...sigh)
Have You ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: No
Have You Ever Been On A Blind Date: Yes...zzz
Have You Ever Been Out Of The Country: Yes
7 Things Your Wearing Now
Belt
Jeans
Tank Top
Bracelets
Spectacles
Watch
Em...underwear? What else were you expecting??
6 Things You Did Yesterday
Watched a movie
Ate duck rice and pasta
Sculpted alousy model
Turned Aoi into a girl
Watched a funny Gazette Vid
Slept
5 Favourite Things
Music
Books and Comics
Animals
the GaZetTe
Sleeping
4 People You Trust Most
JunMing
Other than that I'm not sure
3 Choices
Chocolate or Vanilla : Chocolate
Hugs or Kisses : Hugs
Pens or Pencils : Pens
2 Hobbies
Listening to music
Watching movies
1 Question
Did he love me? Even a little bit...
I've been meaning to blogskin this place but no inspiration came to mind...Ouh wells, till next time..Boogie out
Ouh yeah, some random funny stuff.
A Girly Uruha *cough I got trigger happy with Photoshop
A Girly Aoi * Still being trigger happy
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park...These guys rock
A very cute hamster that gets tortured...Go watch it on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CJKULSJ8DE
And Finally...Introducing....
posted by RenHolder at 11:08 PM
2 comments
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Switchfoot - On Fire
It's been awhile,yo. How are you doing? Sorry if I have been emotionally disconnected from everyone. Can be said i've been pretty happy lately..My outlook has improved tremendously the past four days. Although nothing amazingly life changing had happened but a few things did. And it made me realize that i should be somewhere, not now but sometime. I don't feel like explaining it too much. I'm afraid i wont say it right and I hate to think that i have been fooled again. There's a line in the above mentioned song which goes " ....You are the hope I have for change.....You are the only chance I'll take...." I've been focusing too much on something that isn't really there and it made me so fake and useless. Even if i was aware of it at the time i could do nothing to stop it. Partly because in some sick twisted way i have to feel like a fool, i have to be lost for awhile. this kind of river has to run its course. That said if you ever find yourself feeling that way please fight the whole time. You should never just take it for granted that its just a learning thing and one morning you will wake up with a good outlook. Man am i bullshitting...
My life shifted the most during the last studio project back in february. And i am grateful to the person responsible for it. Actually to two people. One more so than the other and vice versa on different levels but both important and precious all the same. Arigatou. i love you so much. i never want to hurt you again but im afraid i will, one last time. I wish to treasure these moments right now, these last few months before graduation before i have to go on and live without you.
My life shifted the most during the last studio project back in february. And i am grateful to the person responsible for it. Actually to two people. One more so than the other and vice versa on different levels but both important and precious all the same. Arigatou. i love you so much. i never want to hurt you again but im afraid i will, one last time. I wish to treasure these moments right now, these last few months before graduation before i have to go on and live without you.
posted by RenHolder at 9:29 AM
0 comments
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Anthem of Our Dying Day
I feel like such a weird person...Well this is my new blog... My previous blog is this address is at www.xanga.com/fallened . In it are rantings of extremely foolish person. But since she's me I should also point out that while she is totally hopeless she can- on occasion, do the right thing. Whatever the hell the right thing is anyway.
Er what to talk about...I'm doing final year project now and I'm trying to make the most of it while mentally resisting as much as i can..If that makes any sense. Less than a year till graduation and there's so much undone. According to the higher ups there are alot of jobs available, unfortunedly. So no excuse in not trying your best. We were shown this alumni's portfolio as an example and I have a better idea at least of what I should do. Also NAFA is coming up *spits. I'm going to flunk that, no mistake. JM is going to lecture me of the miracles of Mind over MATTER I can just hear it.
I think i will make use of this blog to keep track of my graduation progress including minor project drafts and stuff as well as my build up to my move to Japan in five years time.
Ambitious much?
Er what to talk about...I'm doing final year project now and I'm trying to make the most of it while mentally resisting as much as i can..If that makes any sense. Less than a year till graduation and there's so much undone. According to the higher ups there are alot of jobs available, unfortunedly. So no excuse in not trying your best. We were shown this alumni's portfolio as an example and I have a better idea at least of what I should do. Also NAFA is coming up *spits. I'm going to flunk that, no mistake. JM is going to lecture me of the miracles of Mind over MATTER I can just hear it.
I think i will make use of this blog to keep track of my graduation progress including minor project drafts and stuff as well as my build up to my move to Japan in five years time.
Ambitious much?
posted by RenHolder at 10:35 PM
1 comments
